Deep breaths

It's funny sometimes how certain events will perpetrate some memories you hoped would remain hidden forever. But, sometimes those memories still surface and you just can't help but play through them in your head again - like a video playing over and over again.

A lot has happened in the past few weeks that have brought to surface many memories and fears. The fears - much like anyone I would assume to have - are simply just things that get you thinking when others around you are experiencing it. Things like your own mortality. I don't think of myself as old by any means, but...wow honestly, I can't even put it down into words. Deep breaths.

The memories have come kind of sporadically. It's weird. We were driving somewhere and I saw a dog. Got me thinking about our dog, Lexy. Wow. Crazy stuff. Hadn't thought about her for quite a while - and since then, she hasn't left my mind. Thinking of her leads me to think of Blue, then of Brutus, both cats who left our little family way, way too early. But, it brings about memories of different times. Times that seemed simpler. Times that had a lot more laughter than now it seems. At the same time, however, it resurfaced those feelings. The feelings of abandonment. Had we done the right thing, at the right time? Whoa. Deep breaths.

These were just our animals. What about those people in my life that are not here any longer? The memories of them hurt also. What about those who are still here? Do they know that we love them? Have I shown them how much they mean to me? What if they are gone tomorrow - will I be able to handle it? Answering that right now, I would have to say NO. So, what can I do? Deep breaths.

I just hope that things are better now. Lexy, Blue, Brutus, Caly. I hope they are all running with all those friends and family that have gone too early and are playing without pain or anguish. Those of us here that still have to accept those that are gone, I know we will get through it - but it won't be easy. Deep breaths.

The tears are selfish - it is better this way. God has His plan.