Unproductive

Or at least it seems....

I don't think I will ever understand how one can be so busy, and yet never feel like anything is getting accomplished.  I am that person these days.  Between everything going on at home, my hubby has been working like a madman.  Then, to top it off, I myself am busy at work, but leave each day as though I have gotten nothing accomplished.

To top it all off, we leave in just 2 days for a trip to Washington, D.C. (yes, we will be there over the 4th of July).  Yet there seems to be so much left to do before we go (laundry, shopping, etc.) that we are trying to figure out how to fit it all in!  I guess it just goes to prove that we both need this vacation - BADLY!  

It will be so nice to be off work for a few days, traveling with my husband, and enjoying the sights of Washington.  Anyone ever been before and can offer any suggestions on must sees?  We plan to do the normal touristy stuff, but love to take suggestions from others who have been there.  

Overall, I think the break will provide us the opportunity to rejuvenate and hopefully we can both come back feeling like we may be able to accomplish something.  Check back often for pics from our trip, as I will try to update this blog while we are on the road!  

God's Unending Grace

A flowers petals shining bright

A yellow core enclosed by white
God is smiling down on us
And so in Him we must trust

These pictures are the proof we need
To show He’s here in word and deed
I felt the need to share with you
These flowers from my garden true

I had some help, and I’m very glad
For my sister-in-law and my dad
They helped me plant all these last year
And now the flowers give me cheer

They show me that regardless of things

God has blessings He always brings
In times when He feels it is right
And so with Him, I’ll be alright

Enjoy the pics of all the flowers
It seems I’ve stared at them for hours
They bring a smile to my face
As I enjoy God’s unending grace

Test Results

This post will be fairly brief, but I know that I owe it to everyone reading my blog. This past week has not been a good one for me, as I obviously anxiously awaited Friday's pregnancy test. On Tuesday, however, I started to not feel too good, causing me to worry a little bit. By Wednesday, it was worse, so I called the doctor. They offered to let me come in a day early for my test, just so that I could stop worrying.

Just as we expected, the test result came back negative. We have both been able to take the news in stride, and found all the good to come out of this result. The experience has brought both of us together, not only physically and emotionally, but spiritually. We have also realized that this experience has allowed the doctors to understand the medicine better - so that next time it is a little bit easier. Ultimately, it all is working out pretty well and now we just look forward to the next step.

For everyone who reads, and is such a huge support in my life, I just want to say THANK YOU for all the prayers. Please don't give up, as we do plan to try again - we just don't know when. As much as was spent on the pursuit of my college degree, I will not give up on my dream of being a mother - regardless of how we end up doing that.

And now we wait...

As I stated in my last post, this IVF process officially started on the Tuesday after Memorial Day. As a part of the process, I was required to go to the doctor's office every couple of days for blood work and an ultrasound. The blood work was to monitor how well my body was taking to the hormone injections, and the ultrasound was simply to see how my body was progressing in the process. Each time I went to the doc, I would be contacted in the afternoon with my instructions for the next few days (take this medicine at this dose, take this med at this time, etc.). This went on for just about two weeks.

On June 6, 2008, I went in for my routine blood work and ultrasound. That afternoon, I got the call I had been waiting for: it was time. That evening, my husband had to give me the mother of all shots (and he did an AWESOME job)! This medicine has to be given at a precise time as it usually corresponds to the schedule of the operating room. June 6th was a Friday - which meant that I was to have surgery (for the egg retrieval) on Sunday, June 8th.

Although it was a rough day for me, the surgery was a success. The doctor's were able to retrieve 17 total eggs of which only 16 were mature. The office would call the next day with the number that actually fertilized, which ended up being 13. Their plan was to transfer some of the embryos back on June 13 - weird how the number 13 keeps popping!

Everything went pretty well that week. On Friday, we showed up at the doctor's office where we found out that most of the 13 were still doing pretty well. Based on my chances and the health of the embryos, they decided to transfer 2 of the best looking ones. Success rates are becoming better with IVF, so they try not to transfer more than they believe is necessary. They then told me that two weeks later, I would go back from my pregnancy test. TWO WEEKS!

While I wait, I still have to blood work done every couple of days. They only call if there is an adjustment to be made in the medicines, but that I am not supposed to panic. You ever tried to not panic when someone tells you not to??? My first blood work, I was called. I wasn't too concerned about it, they just started me on some new medicine. It actually helped me to feel better, so I accepted it. Last Friday, I didn't get a call after my blood work - Yeah! Everything is good!! Today, however, they called again. Seems that I have a hormone level that is dropping - and that I should not panic! I should just take some more medicine and wait until Friday. Yep, this Friday is my pregnancy test - scary indeed.

You know, I waited for so long for a dream to come true, and now here it is just around the corner, and I am scared to death! I worry, a lot! Am I truly ready to be mother? Are we ready to be parents? What will happen if the test is negative? Can I/we handle news like that? I'm trying to stay positive, yet sometimes that truly is hard to do. Waiting is not fun - but Friday is only 4 days away (that is 10 less than it was when they first transferred the embryos back, so I guess that is a good sign)!

Decisions - May 22, 2008

The last time I posted about the IVF process that my husband and I were going through, we had just found out about the study that was offered. We had decided to give it a try, so the doctor immediately put me on some meds in order to initiate a menstrual cycle, since I couldn't have them on my own. Now, I've been on Provera many times before, so I knew what to expect. What I was worried about was that I would be put on birth control pills as soon as I started this cycle (seems a little strange to be put on birth control when you are trying to have a baby, huh?). As soon as the cycle started, I was to contact the office to schedule a time for a "class" that my husband and I both had to take. The class was scheduled for May 22, 2008.

This class provided a brief overview of the procedure (there were six other couples in the class, and not all of them were there for IVF) and taught us about the medicine that the women would be taking. We got binders with a lot of information in it, including the individualized plan for us. We were then whisked away as a couple into an exam room, where I had to give myself a shot (yes, with a needle) of saline. Since most of the medicine that I would be taking had to be given through a needle, we each had to get over our fear of needles and learn how to do this. Ben also had to learn how to give me a shot since this one was one that I could not reach. We then got to ask any questions that we may have and move on from there.

As we left the office that day, Ben and I had many, many decisions to make. Within the binder that we received in our class, were consent forms. Most of them were harmless: Do we approve another doctor stepping in to take over the procedure if our primary was not available? Do we understand the risks associated with this procedure? Some of them were a little more thought provoking. For example, we had to decide if we wanted to participate in ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection), where the sperm is injected directly into the egg to ensure fertilization. There are a few risks associated with that, of which we had to decide whether we wanted to be involved with. Another thing that we had to consider was Assisted Hatching, again with more and different risks.

Probably the most highly discussed decision for us to make was the Selective Reduction decision. Since the human body is not made to carry more than one child, the doctor prefers to not have his/her patients becoming pregnant with more than 3 (twins have a better chance than triplets or higher). Therefore, we had to decide that if the case were to arise that I were to become pregnant with 3 or more babies, would we want to eliminate some of them. Now, our belief is that if we get pregnant with more than 2 babies, then God's will is that we have more than 2 children. This was pretty much a no brainer. However, the hard part came in that we don't ever want to risk the health of the babies or of me if this situation arises. We prayed long and hard about this, and discussed it amongst ourselves, before making our decision.

See the problem that I have with all of this, and I am learning to accept, is that God has a plan for me - and if that means that I am not to be a mother because I am unable to get pregnant in the manner that He intended, then so be it. However, I had it explained to me once that science would not exist without God's hand leading the scientists to these discoveries. Plus, there are many women in the Bible who were infertile, yet eventually had children. Although I will sometimes still struggle with the fact that we have decided to take the scientific route, I have accepted it all as a part of God's plan for me. All of that being said, the selective reduction, to me, seemed as though it was too much interference into God's plan - after all, if He intends for me to have 8 children, then I will have 8 children.

With these decisions made and the consent forms signed (Thanks Barb!!), my first appointment for this process started the Tuesday after Memorial Day. I have to say that in the 5 days between our class and my first appointment, my husband and I talked more about kids and each other's future than I think we ever have. It made me realize, yet again, how lucky I am to have a guy like Ben in my life. We talk a lot, but sometimes not the heart-to-hearts that many women desire of their man. I know that it made Ben uncomfortable at times, but he proved to me how mature we, as a couple, have become. He is no longer the 20-year old boy that I fell in love with, he is the 32-year-old man that is my soulmate and best friend. We have such a deep love and mutual respect for each other today. I love you honey, and thank you for being you!

For Carrie...

My sister-in-law Carrie absolutely is in love with one of my cats, Mikey. In July of last year, she and my (twin) brother, Lance, moved from Michigan to North Carolina. While they made it back here for Christmas, we haven't seen them since, and Carrie hasn't been able to see her beloved Mikey.

Therefore, as I spoke with her tonight, I was telling her about Mikey's recent trip to the vet's office. You have to understand Mikey. We have tried since he was about one to get him to lose weight, but he just doesn't seem to want to. He doesn't eat that much, and is somewhat active, but for whatever reason, he is just a very large cat. The recent vet's visit surprised even the girls at the counter - he weighed a healthy 29.5 pounds!

I promised Carrie I would share some pictures so that she could see Mikey again, so here you go Carrie:

Here is Mikey doing what he loves to do!

Here is our other cat, Stormy, who is a little more "normal"

Here is the two of them - so you can see the size difference!

Study Break - April 3, 2008

Invitrofertilization. A big word for a big process with very small members!

The letter that we got from the doctors at IVF Michigan in Flint indicated that Ben and I would be good candidates for a study for this process. Being the worry wort that I am, I wasn't too sure about the study - after all, do I really want my body to be a lab rat?

Come to find out, however, that the study was for women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) (which I happen to also have). The study would perform an IVF procedure and see how the patient would respond to the medicine. The study was to determine if one of the drugs given would be better started on day 1 or day 5 of the cycle. It was a totally random study that we would be placed into after our particular cycle started. But, the bonus part was that the cost of the procedure came at a reduced cost - which would allow us to possibly attempt two cycles of IVF if we wanted (due to insurance coverage).

While it still scared me to have to take this particular route with this pursuit of the dream, we had long ago decided that we wanted to exhaust every possibility of having kids ourselves before pursuing adoption. Therefore, we signed up for it and decided to give the whole thing a try. This decision was made on April 3, 2008, exactly one week and one day after I graduated (unofficially) from college!

Journey to the Pursuit of a Dream...

As I had started in my last blog, there are some interesting things happening in my life right now. In order to understand the impact of it all, I have to provide just a little bit more of a background so that the story makes a little more sense:

Since we had been so unsuccessful at being able to have kids “naturally”, my hubby and I started to see specialist after specialist. Life would, at times, get in the way, and we would lose our focus. Each new specialist we went to would have a different idea or thought - and it was very frustrating to have the same tests being run over and over again. We kept getting referred to a particular specialist, but he did not take our insurance. Finally, in 2006, we reviewed my husband's medical benefits a little closer, and found that if we just paid a little bit higher premiums, we would have our choice of doctor's - including this particular specialist.

In January 2007, my first appointment with this specialist happened. Again, the same flurry of tests and different diagnoses. I was frustrated, beyond belief! Unfortunately, I took it out on the doctor, which didn't help matters much. We got things worked out and he suggested a quick surgery to fix what he believed to be a septate uterus. The surgery was scheduled for July 2007. Aside from some minor discomfort, the surgery appeared to be a success. However, after my initial visit back to the doc in August to remove the stitches, I didn't go back to him at all (again, life got in the way).

But, God has a plan - that is what I keep saying - and He gave me a huge push into the right direction. In March 2008, I received a letter from the doctor's office stating that they believed I would be a good fit for a medical study that the office had just gotten approved for. After some brief discussion, we agreed it was a good time - why not give it a shot? In April, we had an appointment with the doctor who described the study, as well as our particular chances. We decided at that point that the time may not be absolutely perfect, but we had to give it a shot!

Check back tomorrow for the details of the study, as well as the continuing process that Ben and I are going through.

New Dreams

Now that graduation is over, I get to start in on the real reason for me starting this blog in the first place. Over the next few weeks, I will begin telling a story about things going on in our lives - dreams that we are beginning to pursue. To just be fairly brief with an introduction, allow me to give just some brief background into my life.

I am 32 years old and have been married for nearly 10 years. I love my husband to death - he means the world to me. However, I can honestly say that our marriage didn't exactly start out the greatest. But, we learned how to deal with each other and become the best of friends. **A short comment here: Marriage is not easy!** We vowed from the beginning that we would stick through everything, no matter what.

I dreamt, all through high school, of being a mother. I had the plan: married by 22, first kid by 25, with the second 2 years later. Well, the first part of the plan came true. I was officially married almost 6 weeks before my 23rd birthday. By the time I turned 24, I knew that we had to get started on having kids - after all, the plan was to have the first one by age 25. Well, things didn't happen as I had planned. No matter what, things didn't seem to work and 25, 26, 27 all flew by. I started to realize that I would never have kids - after all, don't you stop trying after age 30?!?

Today, we are both 32 years old, and still trying to have our own children. I've realized that while age will sometimes play a little bit of a factor, it is not something that should ever hold people back from there dreams of parenthood. After all, God has a plan for all of us.

Graduation!

Well, it is finally over! I remember back 14 years ago when I graduated from high school, I was worried about the life ahead of me. I was so unsure of what I wanted to do, or be. Life was a little hectic for me back then and without making too many excuses, allowed me to not take pride in what I was doing outside of high school. I couldn't care at all about school work, or much of anything, and it started to show.

Then, however, I found my (now) husband and things changed. He helped me to refocus on the important things - on what I wanted out of life. I dropped out of school, began working and planning a wedding and getting my life back on track. Today, I can honestly say that I am happy with the way things have turned out and that I can be satisfied in the hard work that I put into my college education. Although it took me 10 years longer than it should have, I know that the time and money spent is wonderful! And, the accomplishment of a dream that I never thought would happen is an absolutely incredible feeling!

Yesterday, I got to celebrate with (almost) all my family and friends. Those people who supported me even when the times got tough. It is a blessing to have such great people in my life who mean more to me than anything else. We were all blessed to have wonderful weather for the day as well, so that made it even more fun! I felt a little weird going into the day because not many college graduates have open houses - but I knew that those people who pushed me and supported me needed to be appreciated for all that they had done!

Thank you all for everything and for always being there! I am very, very lucky to have you all in my life!

Housework

This weekend, I got to spend it pretty much alone. Ben decided to go and spend some quality time with his parents, especially since his mother had surgery last Tuesday. He was able to help his dad get some work done around the house/yard up there and I know he enjoyed it.

Does anyone else just get in the mood to clean? Most of you who are reading this know that Ben and I are not the merriest of maids with our house. Lately, it seems to have gotten a lot worse. But for some reason, this weekend, I got into a mood to do some thorough cleaning of our house. Amazingly, I didn't spend a lot of time either day (Saturday or Sunday), but I go through my house right now and I so happy to have it presentable. I don't have to be embarrassed any more to have someone who has just dropped by come in and visit for a while. Now the real question most of you are asking (I know I ask it myself many times): how long can we keep it this way?

After a long week of work, it felt good to have the weekend to myself, watching some girly movies, and cleaning the house. Can't wait for Ben to come home and see it! Hope you all had a good weekend!